(Nimue)
If you've been with me for a while, you'll have run into posts where I've talked about my home life. There's not been much on that topic here this year. This is because there have been some huge shifts going on. I wanted to give everyone implicated chance to work things through and figure stuff out before I was especially public about it.
My previous relationship broke down entirely.
It's been a really good thing for me, liberating me into a space where I've been able to take much better care of myself, and am supported in ways that work for me. My physical and mental health has improved dramatically. I've been happier in the last few months than I've ever been before in my life, and that's taught me a lot about who I am. I like myself a lot better than I used to, I feel more at ease in myself and I'm hopeful. Depression and anxiety have dialed right down, and not being stressed all the time means that I'm sleeping better, so am better able to heal and recover. My blood pressure has normalised, my periods are lighter, and a handful of other things that had been sources of pain and misery just aren't happening to my body any more. Stress is a really harmful thing when there's a lot of it over a long time frame.
I'm much more inspired than I was, and I'm hopeful about life in a way that I've never been before. Life has become rich with joy, adventures, music, comradeship and all the emotional and intellectual engagement I've been craving.
Up until this point I've only mentioned this relationship in terms of the more public facing aspects. I've been performing musically with Keith Errington for some time now, and working on other creative projects with him. We've been friends for years. He was the person who inspired me to start playing the viola again. He was the person who enabled me to break free of relentless suicidal ideation last year. Thanks to his care and support I'm flourishing where before I was in crisis.
I've spent a long time with a sense of myself as a nuisance and a problem. It's been exciting to find that I can reliably be a good thing, that I can inspire joy and enthusiasm in others and that there is a point to my existing. Keith spent a lot of time showing me how the people around me value me and has helped me rebuild some sense of self worth, and some much needed confidence. This has helped a lot with both the depression and the anxiety.
It's incredibly powerful being accepted as the person I am, without having to lock down any part of myself. Alongside that I have whatever space I need to grow, change, explore and develop. I have an invitation to be truly myself and to find out what that means. Spending my days surrounded by love, support and encouragement has changed my life.
At the moment I'm focusing a lot on re-building my physical health and strength. I'm asking questions not just about what I need - as my needs are wholly met - but what I want. Rather than thinking about what I can bear, or make do with, I'm able to think in a much more inspired and expansive way and this has been amazing.
I'm in a state of profound gratitude. Joy has become part of my everyday life. I wake up in the mornings feeling blessed, rested, and excited about the day. I used to measure love in terms of how much I was willing to suffer for someone. The experience of feeling loved, cherished and valued, safe and welcome has been startling, and wonderful.
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