(Nimue)
When people have experienced trauma, they can have flashbacks that drop them into feeling like they are back in those previous experiences. When the trauma is complex, the flashback is more into an emotional state. It can be very hard to tell that this is happening when you are in it, you simply re-experience feelings you had during a traumatic period. It can make it very difficult to handle what's going on.
If you are on the outside of this, dealing with someone whose responses seem disproportionate, this is really hard. I flagged this in the recent post on self forgiveness, and David raised this issue in the comments. If someone is traumatised, they may react like you are attacking them, which is horrible to deal with if that wasn't your intent. In the short term, the only way to meet that is with gentleness, kindness, and patience, which is not easy at all.
Whether you're dealing with your own trauma legacy or someone else's, there's not much you can do while it's all kicking off. The time to do the work is after the triggering, when it's all still fresh in your mind, but not as pressing. When you have the brain space to act, it is vitally important to do so. This is the window of opportunity to figure out what just happened, to identify the triggers, and to check about how safe you really are right now.
The way out of a trauma legacy is to build a sense of the present strong enough to overrule what's in the past. You can't do that until you are actually in a safe place. If you have had a triggering incident involving someone else, spending time on it afterwards is really important. This stops the past from damaging your current relationships. It means being able to flag up what the triggers were – which helps the people around you not accidentally set you off. It helps them recognise what they weren't to blame for, so it is restorative that way. From there you can start to figure out better things to try to move forward.
I've learned a lot about this in the last few years. Recovery is more feasible with support and care. It is possible for two people with trauma triggers that interact to work through that and come out ahead. Communication is key. If you let panic take over and don't question it, you can end up blaming someone innocent for problems that only ever existed in your own head. Nothing good comes of this.
Dealing with a trauma legacy – yours or someone else's – is not easy. These issues are made of pain and fear, rooted in the most appalling experiences. However, we have to deal with it. Those of us who have been traumatised have a responsibility – to ourselves and to those who want to be close to us – not to let the shit we've been subjected to keep hurting anyone. The person you have most obligation to protect from the ongoing harm a trauma legacy can cause, is yourself. You do not deserve to keep suffering.
Trying not to deal with it can cause a lot of harm to the people around you. By this means, trauma can be handed on. There's that old saying to the effect that hurt people hurt people. However, if you're taking responsibility for your healing and recovery then other things start to happen. Healing people heal people. As we get to grips with our own issues we become able to help others with their struggles. Our healing lifts and cheers the people who care for us. Healing old wounds is not a selfish choice, it's the best thing we can do.
Being traumatised often includes an aspect of being persuaded that we deserved it, and that can make it really hard to move on. If we don't want to deserve our pain, then I think we have some obligation not to let that wounding wound others in turn.
As ever, kindness is a big part of the answer. Dealing with trauma calls for being kind to yourself, and building relationships founded on kindness. Recognising how your pain hurts others is itself painful, but getting to grips with that makes real change possible.
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