I looked back at the road I have walked so far, then I looked at what was around me now.
It is all saddening and maddening all at once. I am sad and mad at the person I was, the things she let people do to her, while lashing out at the people she didn't realised cared.
She chased and begged for the wrong people to love her, didn't believe the ones who truly did.
She was just an angry person. It was all she knew. She had her guard up, and in the rare moments she let them down, she lashed out to keep herself safe while giving the trust a chance.
The people that did hurt her, the ones that left without a single thought or care, it made her cold. The only time she would let the anger take over completely for her to nuke those bridges came out in full force.
It was a world war constantly going off in her. She didn't know how to talk or ask for what she needed. She just took what was given to her while asking herself: what did I do to deserve this?
I think of my younger self as an angry little girl who got a shit deck of cards dealt to her. She was blind and didn't see what she already had in her.
But now, I compare what I had to what I have.
I am capable of love and being loved. I can ask for my needs and have them met by my partner. Sometimes, I don't even have to ask. This person, my person, just knows me.
My partner doesn't make me feel embarassed for wanting reassurance. He tells me every day that he loves me. He heals my inner child with the small acts like heating up my wheat pack on my sicks days, the abundance of stuffed animals, making sure I take my Lexapro, and more.
He lets me be me.
The friends I have now. The ones that have seen me on the ground crying and so angry at the world and did what I never expected.
Stayed.
My friends weren't looking at me as just some angry person. They saw me as broken. They saw the good in me still and showed me love, kindness, patience and understanding. They have become my family in so many ways,
I tell them I am dumb when I say things I don't know. They tell me I am smart in other things, while teaching me new things every day. Whether it is history, finances, or whatever their profession is. I feel new every day with them. Their words and the way they have shown me how to pick up the peices.
My family. My ability to finally use my voice and tell them what hurts. I don't try too hard to be like my older brothers anymore. I am just me. The only girl, the sensitive one, the shy brown girl who hid behind her father's legs when he was chatting to other locals in our town.
I now know my mother fully. I understand her history and what it was like for her raising me and my brothers. I feel her struggles, and know some of her traumas as she sees mine. We cry together and we fully see each other as individuals. Not just mother and daughter, but women from a long line of strong Visayan women or warriors (I like to imagine my ancestors as warrior women).
There is strength that grew through my weaknesses. Light that now shines in the darkness. Flowers that were watered by tears. Calmer waters even when it starts to storm. A broken heart that is now filled with love.
Not just love for others. But love for myself.
I am starting to see me more.
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