The Masked Ball

Jen and her cats

February 9

Do you need a break? From what?

People mask in different ways. Some wear makeup or a particular style of clothing. Some act rich though the bank account is overdrawn. Some pretend to be happy when they're anything but.

For people with autism it's a skill we unconsciously develop to try to fit in. Masking for me is incredibly exhausting; it entails reading the room and figuring out how to act like others. It's trying to hide stimming behaviors that comfort me when I'm feeling stress. The worst part is it doesn't work because the autism still shines through. Non-autistic people tend to judge us more harshly than they do their non-autistic brethren, so we don't fit in and are often the butt of jokes.

Masking for me today is not about belonging but trying not to draw attention to myself. It feels like walking around in clunky shoes. My goal is to one day feel safe enough to not have to wear them anymore.

Obligatory cat pic

The shoes are heavy,
making clunking sounds
as I sling my legs around 
to move forward. 
It's the best way I know
to keep myself closed off
and focused on the task at hand -
checking off the items in my cart,
reciting comments by heart
as I smile at people 
I don't understand.
How am I today? Do you care?
Mention the weather? That I like your hair?
Did the shoes keep the stimming down, 
or did it draw attention 
and earn another viral mention?
Home again, finally.
Now to put the shop away
and remove the shoes for the day.