The end of this week my almost eighteen year old is heading off for a ten day mission trip overseas. It will involve canoes and rivers and remote areas. I can't say that I feel warm and fuzzy about it.
Years ago when this child was an infant I was at church and during the worship service God gave me a vision. I saw a world globe that was dark and my viewpoint was from Tennessee and I was watching bright shiny stars shoot out from Tennessee and go all over the world. And I knew those stars were my children. And it was a vision I needed at that time.
My husband and I are both second generation missionary kids and when we got married we felt that call for a decision on us. Are we going to follow in our parents' and grandparents' footsteps and find our way to the mission field too? We explored the idea but neither of us felt called. We loved other cultures and travel and living in new exciting places, but did not feel a burden to become ministers of any type. So, when I had a vision of my children going out into the world it felt like confirmation. WE are not going to go out, but we'll prepare our children and they will go out.
We have often talked about adventures and travel and missions with our kids. Think outside the box. Do daring things. My oldest moved to Maine: Good for you, be near relatives, pursue your dreams! The next child joined the military: God protect my son in Jesus' name. The next child moved out and has been feeling her way around a career and talks of being a foster mom when she is older: I'm so proud of you! And then this child comes along. I'm off to serve in the inner city for the next two summers. Ok, be safe. I'm going to Columbia. Ok, your dad will go with you. I'm off to Honduras. Um. Ok, now hold on a minute. Is this safe? How am I going to communicate with you? Can't you wait till you're eighteen? And I feel myself balking. I know this is what my daughter has dreamed of, and the trip is as safe as any trip can be. And she's walking in God's calling on her life. But this is getting hard. Letting go of my kids so they can go off and live their own lives, going out into the world to be a light wherever they are. This is not easy.
Having multiple little ones at home for so long, I have often comforted myself...One day they will be eighteen and head out into the world and I will no longer be in charge. There is an end in sight. Yeah. I was really wrong about that. Sure, I no longer cook their meals, do their laundry, drive them places etc, but the amount of stress and worry I have to battle as I watch them from a distance as they strike out on their own, it feels equal to having a bunch of little ones running around the house. Maybe heavier.
Lord, protect my children, draw them close to you. Let their lives bring glory to you.
And help me to let go gracefully, and trust that you've got them.
And let them know that I am so proud of them.
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