(Nimue)
I've committed to exploring the idea of forgiveness. The first post about it is here. Self forgiveness is an essential thing. None of us are perfect, all of us make mistakes. We can't learn or grow without giving ourselves room to make mistakes in the first place.
Once you've made a mistake, and dealt with it as best you can, self forgiveness needs to enter the mix. If we insist on carrying blame and shame, it can slow us down and make us afraid to act. Failure to act does not let us off the hook – inaction and silence can be deeply harmful things. Refusal to learn, change, heal or grow can make us incredibly toxic. We need to be able to forgive ourselves for being human so that we can keep moving and improving. Or at least making new and different mistakes!
If you don't forgive yourself, you might instead take other defensive measures. People who cannot hear they have messed up end up gaslighting themselves and the people around them in order to feel comfortable. That way lies narcissism. The person who can acknowledge their flaws and issues can face them honourably. Accepting our imperfection and our failings gives us the scope to be better people.
A little self kindness makes it easier for people to tell us when we aren't doing what they need. Imagine a person who responds to criticism with a tirade of self abuse, maybe shouting at themselves, falling into deep despair and otherwise centring their own discomfort with the criticism. How can you bring an issue to that person, when you know they might have a massive and dangerous meltdown? It can so easily become a way of silencing criticism, whether that's the intention or not.
Forgiveness is key to how we allow each other to be human. We're all of us getting things wrong all of the time – that's intrinsic to being alive. No one should have t be desperately anxious or hypervigilant around trying to be super-humanly perfect. Asking too much of someone can be really harmful – blame and punishment for small mistakes can be abuse tactics. When that comes from places of self-judgement, it is still harmful to others. Being kind to each other is very difficult without also being kind to ourselves.
Forgive the small things. Forgive the honest mistakes, and the people who tried and couldn't manage. Forgive the people who are trying their best and giving what they can and who want to learn and do better. Forgive the people who care about harm they have inadvertently caused. And when you are on the wrong side of it, ask for forgiveness, try to learn how to do better and get in there for the restorative justice that allows everyone to move on. Forgive in yourself the things you would have no trouble forgiving in others.
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