(Nimue)
Many spiritual paths embrace the concept of forgiveness as something we should practice. Ancient Druidry comes from a heroic culture where – based on the stories that have come down to us – vengeance would have been more likely seen as a virtue than forgiveness. Modern Druidry certainly has more room for the idea than our ancestors did, and we certainly aren't under any pressure to forgive if we don't want to.
In recent weeks, I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness. It's not been something I've explored in earnest before. There are things I have endured that I have no intention of forgiving – because that's part of how I now hold the boundaries I need. However, forgiveness is a complex, multi-faceted thing. Anger is useful for protection, but I don't want to end up carrying bitterness, resentment or anything else that might get in my way. I do not want my life poisoned by experiences I had no real control over.
This is a big topic, so I'm probably going to revisit it a few times as I pick through the various issues and implications.
My longstanding issue with forgiveness is that it can look a lot like letting someone off the hook. That in turn can enable future harm. Holding people to account is really important. I believe in community responsibility, and I am conscious that where there is abuse there is also often complicity. Bullies usually have enablers. Sometimes that's active, sometimes it's just a passive ignoring of the problem or pretending it isn't there. Active forgiveness does at least require acknowledging the problem for a while, but it can be an enabling move.
At the same time, we're all flawed, messy humans. We all make mistakes, often innocently. I think most of us mostly act based on what we think are good ideas, but we can get that horribly wrong in all kinds of ways. We need to be able to forgive ourselves, and each other, for our flaws and failings, our cock ups and bad ideas.
I think that where someone has really got things wrong – including deliberate cruelty – if there is genuine remorse and a true desire to repair the harm and do something restorative, then forgiveness is appropriate. I think people who want to improve should have the opportunity to try.
The people who stick with toxic behaviour are often themselves wounded and damaged. That wounding can also look a lot like entitlement – there's an argument for saying that being brought up to believe you are worth more than other people and entitled to things at their expense is a damaging experience. How much compassion does that merit? Is there any point in forgiveness for a person who refuses to learn, or grow or shoulder responsibility? I don't have any broad answers to this but the question remains important.
What do we forgive, and when and why? Forgiveness and power are clearly related to each other. We collectively forgive the deliberate crimes of the powerful, and punish the mistakes of those who have least power. Forgiveness isn't just a spiritual issue, it's a political one as well.
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