(Nimue)
In my first post about Heart Festival I talked a little about how I used my position as an outsider to support what I was doing as a bard. Having been explicit about feeling like an outsider led to some conversations, and having a friend point out to me that I tend to identify that way. This was a useful prompt.
Being an outsider is a feeling that goes back to early childhood. My wonky body made me prone to falling, so I did not feel safe on playgrounds. I was always at the edges, never felt able to join in. I realised when my son was little that the rampaging around a lot of kids do when small is the beginnings of social interaction for many of them, and that I'd missed out on some things. I was slow, socially, and I struggled figuring out how to deal with people.
It's easier in spaces with obvious rules – as with folk clubs, sessions and musical groups. Pagan ritual spaces are more predictable, moots less so. For a long time I dealt with my social struggles by running things – when you're in charge of something you know what your role is and that's often a lot easier than showing up and trying to figure it out.
Over the Heart Festival weekend it struck me that a lot of people feel like outsiders for all kinds of reasons. Many people struggle socially, and often quietly in ways that don't draw attention. If I can own it, there will be times when I can create more space for others simply by acknowledging the issue. It's not easy inviting people into the heart of a thing without creating barriers, gatekeeping or cliques, but it is possible.
More often than not these days, I can choose where I stand. I don't have to skulk nervously at the edges. I can dive in. I can let go of the old fears around not being welcome and not successfully managing to grasp the unspoken rules. Given that what I most want to do is bring kindness, affirmation and encouragement, there's not really much reason to expect anyone to have a problem with that. Yes, when I get carried away I can be a bit of a manic puppy, but I've learned to pay more attention to where that's welcome and who might feel unsettled by it.
I think one of the things I need to do is start trusting myself that I can handle social situations. I maybe do better around people than I think I do. Maybe I need to take up more space. If I'm doing that I can make more space for other people. I had one rather shy woman admit to me that she'd thought about bringing her knitting but hadn't felt confident that it was ok, but seeing me crocheting realised that she could do something similar. If my having wool in my hands empowers someone else to bring something they love out in public then this is A THING and I want to do more of it.
I think I will always want to spend some time at the margins, because margins are intrinsically interesting places. I can also dive in, and decide that I am properly a part of what I'm doing, choosing not to see myself as an outsider. While I'm doing it, I can keep an eye out for those other fragile children who lurked at the edges of playgrounds, because it won't just be me.
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