(Nimue)
I've recently learned a great deal about how to avoid becoming depressed. There's a lot that we can do to support each other, so I wanted to share what I've learned.
Firstly it is essential to have space for whatever you are feeling. Allowing room for 'negative' emotions is important when they come up. Anger, fear, pain, grief, and all things of that ilk need space too. Trying not to feel them is likely to damage your mental health. Not being allowed room to feel them is harmful. When dealing with people who are suffering, don't rush in to encourage them not to express their feelings.
Don't try and fix people. Most depression is caused by experiences – stress, trauma, threat, powerlessness and so forth. The first port of call should not be encouraging people to toughen up in face of their struggles. If there is a way of fixing the problem causing the pain, focus on fixing it. If there isn't a way of fixing it, don't pressure a person to act like it's all ok, pretend to be fine, or anything else that negates their very real reasons for distress.
If a person has time to let their feelings run, they will deal with them. If acceptance is necessary – as with the stages we go through around bereavement – it's better to get there naturally than to try and force it. People who are allowed time to process their grief do better than people who are not allowed whatever time they need. We all move at different speeds.
I go numb when there's no room for what I'm feeling. I slide into apathy when the despair is overwhelming. Attempts to 'fix' me add to that – an additional burden of pressure, expectation and a clear message that the only problem anyone else cares about is that I'm making a fuss. Having the support to express my feelings means I feel validated and reassured, and that keeps me in a healthier headspace. It is much better and more effective to howl about something than it is to go numb in face of it.
Resilience does not come from toughing things out and not making a fuss. I've done plenty of that. It can be an effective way of making people around you more comfortable, and sometimes that's the right choice, but not aways. Resilience comes in part from having room for real and authentic responses, and figuring out how to keep moving while being able to be real. Pretending to be ok, and forcing yourself to suppress your feelings comes at a high cost, and is likely to throw you into deeper despair.
Telling people to try harder and make less fuss when they are hurting adds to their emotional burden. It might make them seem less problematic, but it hasn't helped them, just shut them down at a time when they needed space for their feelings. Meet the distress with acceptance and support, and the whole process is easier and better. This is something we can do for each other, and in so doing, we an protect and support each other's mental health no matter what we're facing. When things are painful, not being on your own with them is of itself helpful and makes the distress easier to bear.
No comments:
Post a Comment