Lately, I've been feeling the absence of something in my life. It has felt like a huge gaping hole in my personality and has actually made me pause and wonder a lot as I've tried to analzye what this hole was. And I think I've finally figured out what is missing. It's fear. Anxiety. Stress. I am not feeling it. And it is strange and wonderful. LIke a part of me finally stopped pacing up and down and just sat down and rested.
This absence feels so weird that it's made me feel like I need to do an assessment of my life, inner and outer workings, make sure I'm not missing something. Surely there is something I should be stressed about? Surely I've messed up somewhere. Why am I feeling so relaxed and not guilty?
I made a survey of how things are going with kids home for summer break. And I realized this is the first summer that I haven't hyper-planned every moment of the day. And everyone is doing fine. Kids are playing well. Using their time well.
I made a survey of our family as a whole. Have we lost our vision? Do we have goals we are actively accomplishing? And I came to the conclusion that we are on track. Over the years our goals have simplified down to wanting our kids to love Jesus and learn how to serve the people around them. And I feel like all our planned summer activities lend to promoting those things.
I made a survey of myself. Am I being all that I can be? Probably not, but I'm pretty happy with what I've accomplished as a wife and a mother of ten so far. And I do have other interests I'm pursuing as well, like music and writing which makes me feel like my life is pretty balanced at the moment.
It's not like life has suddenly become perfect and amazing. I could easily summon up a long list of things that are not ideal, need changing, Prayer requests which I'm still waiting on answers. But that feeling of anxiousness seems to be gone. Like I can look at a problem, and say, yes, this is definitely a problem, and then I can pray about it and move on with my day.
It's kind of like getting an aching tooth pulled. You're so glad the tooth is gone and is no longer hurting you, but your tongue keeps exploring this empty hole in your mouth because it's weird and different.
Anxiety has been a constant companion for all of my life. I can't remember a time without it. I don't know why God has chosen this time in my life to set me free from this. I can't think of any momentous thing I've done to warrant it happening at this moment. But I am thankful. And feeling hopeful for the future. And trying not to feel too weird about this unexpected gaping hole. I wonder what positive thing I could replace it with?
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