I've been busy getting ready to go back to work. I went out and bought a few new outfits. I have been deep cleaning the house. I have a few meals prepped in the freezer and just ready to throw in the oven. I feel good about where I'm at right now. I am so excited to get back to work.
I'm a little sad that I don't get to hang out and watch my daughter continue to blossom, but I am so ready to get some of me back. I haven't been able to really grasp and process everything that has happened since our daughter was born. It was a crazy time and an unexpected birth. We had barely gotten our house ready and then she was here. What is even more concerning was I wasn't fully prepared at work to start maternity leave, mostly because work hadn't communicated my maternity leave to me.
So I started life as a new mom completely uncertain of anything. I didn't know how to be a mom, I didn't know what my job status was, and I now was trying to figure out how to be myself and a wife. It was hard and exhausting. Then all of a sudden I was getting emails from work telling me I needed to be back in the office. There was a lot of back and forth and I finally felt like I had a plan. I went back to work on July 17th and it felt good to be walking into the office. I felt like I had a bit of myself back.
The day I walked in though, my boss didn't meet with me until 1 pm. At that time he finally went over where in the forecast they were and what he needed help with. Then at 3 pm he had a one on one with me. He wanted to talk about my request to work from home. My husband and I had not yet secured childcare. We had been on lists since October (I found out I was pregnant in September). I knew we had a date in August after August 15th, but I didn't know the exact day. I had a neighbor who was able to watch our child but they also were taking care of their grandson and I wanted to be home if they needed anything. My request was for 2 days from home a week and my husband would be home 3 days a week. I didn't think this would be too much of an issue because my boss worked from home on Wednesday and Fridays because he didn't have childcare those days.
Except it was. He said I needed to be in office for my role. Apparently my glowing performance review prior to my maternity leave no longer stood up. He felt I didn't prepare him enough for my maternity leave even though he had cancelled meetings. I left a list that was linked to worksheets, instructions, and templates. I put notes in all of my spreadsheets. I even showed interns how to do certain aspects of my job. That wasn't enough. Also I never finished one part of the forecast (not an imperative part) prior to giving birth, even though I had an email from him stating we could finish it on Monday. I wasn't expecting to give birth early and not be at work on Monday. I realized in that meeting he would never be a fair manager. I would always never be good enough. I came home in tears.
The next day I put in my two weeks. HR called a meeting and was trying to force me to sign a piece of paper stating I was leaving because I couldn't do my job responsibilities anymore. I refused to sign so I was escorted out by security. It was so embarrassing. I had given so much time during my pregnancy to that company and I was treated as if I was being fired. I'd never left a company on that bad of terms. It was soul crushing and I questioned if I was right or wrong for quitting. What's worse is I felt like I lost my independence. I trusted my husband could provide for my daughter and I but I always like having my own paycheck if I needed to take care of myself. It was awful to also feel like I had just gotten a piece of myself back only to have it ripped away again.
I felt like I was failing. I was still struggling on how to balance being a partner and a mom and myself. I was now struggling on how I wasn't a good enough employee. I felt defeated. It took some time and some amazing friends to help me feel a bit better. I was also struggling with job hunting and knowing what I wanted next. I just kept trying and pushing forward. Finally near December, I allowed myself time to grieve and really focus on what I had all lost and just gone through. I sat down and let myself be overwhelmed and cry. I talked to an amazing friend. I went on walks alone. And then I interviewed for a job.
I actually applied for an entry level position. I wanted to get back into the workforce and I decided the best way was to find a job with less responsibilities. I wanted to have a job that allowed me to focus on getting my confidence back and allowed me to figure out how to be a mom and a working woman. During the interview they actually kept talking to me about a higher position. I was open and honest about what I was looking for. I told them I wanted to set my own hours and I wasn't ready for a management position. I wanted to ease back into the workforce. The next day the approached me with another opportunity. This was the chance to come in at a low level position with the potential for a promotion as the manager retires in the next few years.
I was interested and excited. I actually had advocated for what I wanted. I had made sure my voice was heard in the interview. I was clear if the job didn't fit with what I needed I wasn't going to take it. The company culture fit with a family first atmosphere and that employee life outside of the office is important. It seems like the right opportunity and the right fit. So I'm hopeful. I'm hopeful that I'll get a bit more of myself back. I'm excited to have my own money again. I'm excited for what my paycheck can bring to our family's finances. 9 months after giving birth, I finally feel like I might have this.
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