(Nimue)
One of the big realisations for me this year is that I need to work on trusting my own feelings. I'm all too good at using my brain to suppress how I feel, to doubt myself, second guess everything and invalidate my own responses. I know how I got here and I think it's a story other people may find useful.
I've always been hypermobile. One of the effects of this is that my body is easily hurt, and that I feel a lot of pain. It's not obvious from the outside and when I was a kid this condition wasn't particularly recognised or taken seriously. I grew up thinking I had a normal body, and being told that I made a huge fuss, had a low pain threshold, wasn't trying hard enough with sports and should not have been struggling with the things I found hard. I got this from a lot of adults, so I took it onboard. It's set me up to mistrust myself and to assume my reactions are excessive.
Alongside this, I was a sensitive child and felt things keenly. That wasn't always welcomed or understood. This is who I am, though, and trying to be someone who doesn't feel as much doesn't work for me. I have always needed for it to be ok to be who and how I am.
On top of this has been piled a great deal of gaslighting. I've been through a lot of rounds of having my feelings invalidated and treated as ridiculous. I've had a hard time resisting that because of my history.
What I know at this point is the things I thought I needed, were really the things I needed. The things I wanted are possible, and wonderfully good for me. When I have what I want and need, I can be much more well and functional. My instincts were right about so much of this. When my feelings are treated as valid, I can tackle and solve what problems I encounter.
Changing how I think about my feelings isn't easy. I have a whole lifetime of experience to deal with here. I'm having to think carefully about my own feelings when they come up, and remind myself that my feelings are valid and reasonable. I'm asking for support and validation around this, which is helping too. I'm not going with my knee-jerk brain responses of shutting down my feelings - I'm trying to make space to feel what I'm feeling rather than instantly assuming it's going to be wrong or problematic. I'm talking about what emerges from those feelings.
It's really helpful that at this point if I express feelings or needs, those are met with care and understanding. I would not have been able to explore this without that support, it was previously unthinkable territory. Being actively invited to share my feelings and speak my needs has really helped me get to this point. Being reassured that what I feel makes sense and is important helps too. I think one moral of this story is to trust the people who take you seriously and who respond kindly to your feelings. If you aren't sure of yourself, trust the people who make you feel better, not the people who make you feel like your emotions are intrinsically wrong.
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