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Sunday, October 1, 2023

[New post] Accepting ‘negative’ emotions

Site logo image Nimue Brown posted: " (Nimue) There are schools of thought that denigrate certain emotions as negative or undesirable. All of our feelings are part of our human experience and it is critically important to have room for everything. As I'm recovering from years of intens" Druid Life

Accepting 'negative' emotions

Nimue Brown

Oct 1

(Nimue)

There are schools of thought that denigrate certain emotions as negative or undesirable. All of our feelings are part of our human experience and it is critically important to have room for everything.

As I'm recovering from years of intense depression, I'm noticing some things about my relationship with my own more challenging feelings. Perhaps the most important thing is that they aren't irrational feelings and they are not - of themselves - a problem to fix. There's a lot of talk around depression that treats the distress itself as the problem to solve rather than tackling the cause of the distress. I was depressed for reasons. Take away the reasons and I am no longer depressed. When things come up for me that are uncomfortable it's because there's a problem I need to take seriously, not because I'm intrinsically broken. I've got a lot of re-learning to do around this.

A 'negative' emotion isn't something to fight off, it's a fair response to an experience. Equally, if unhappy feelings come up, it isn't proof of an inevitable slide back into the darkness. It is ok for me to feel sad, or worried, or to be upset by something. There should be room for all such feelings as they arrive and it should be safe to feel and express them.

Undoubtedly I would be easier and more comfortable to deal with if I was perfectly happy about everything all the time. However, no one who cares about me would want to negate my personhood by demanding that of me. I am allowed to have bad days. I am allowed to not cope perfectly with every challenge I face. Being cross, or upset or worried does not make me a problem and there is no reason to expect to be treated that way.

I'm finding that sometimes I have to stop and talk myself through this. I have to actively remind myself that I am entitled to my full emotional range and that all of my feelings are valid. I'm sharing all of this because I'm prepared to bet it isn't just me. There's so much going on culturally that disallows the more difficult feelings and the more intense feelings. We stigmatise strong emotions and that isn't healthy. Learning not to care too much, not to feel too much or invest in anything too much isn't being an adult, it's being dead on the inside.

If we don't want to be good little cogs in the corporate machine, we need our feelings. In face of destruction of the planet we urgently need our rage and grief. In face of massive social injustice we need our rage, our outrage, and our courage. More than anything we all need the space to feel compassion and to care. If we can't bring that to our own emotional responses we're going to have a hard time showing up anywhere. 

It's good to care about things, and vital to care enough that you can also be hurt. Being willing to be uncomfortable is an essential first step in tackling every problem we might face. The kind of depression that numbs you out and leaves you hollow isn't because you've had negative feelings, but it could well be because you've had no way to express your feelings or act on them.

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