"I don't get it," he said. "What league are they talking about? I played football, so is that okay?"
"You're not from around here, are you," said the woman behind the counter.
"How did you know?" he asked, frowning.
"Lucky guess. Where are you from?"
"Not here," he said. "Can I have an LT, extra mayo, fries and a glass of ice water, please."
"An LT?"
"A lettuce and tomato sandwich. Shouldn't you know that? I mean you work here, right?"
"So no bacon."
"I don't eat animals so, no. No bacon."
"Coming right up," she said. "Why don't you have a seat, while you wait."
"Thanks," he said. "I'll be right over here."
"It's a small place," said the woman. "I'll be able to find you wherever you sit."
"I'm a vegetarian too," said a dark haired girl, sitting in the corner. "I love animals."
"What did you order?"
"A soy burger and slaw."
"Have you had that before?" he asked.
She nodded, and pushed the chair across from her, from under the table with her foot. "Sit," she said.
He sat.
"Yes, the burger is good and the bun is warm and soft. The slaw is made fresh everyday and it's delicious."
"I should have ordered that," he said, clearly uncomfortable. "Nice tattoos."
"Thanks," she said, slurping the last of her drink out of the glass through her straw. "Do you have any?"
"Uh, no. And straws are bad for the environment."
"Humans are worse," she said, putting her empty glass down.
He started to say something, then just looked away.
"We made straws, it's not like they're part of nature," she said. "WE are bad for everything."
He opened his mouth again, but closed it.
"Why are you here?"
"Here?" he asked. "In this cafe? Or in this city? Or just generally, like on earth and things?"
"In this city."
"I wanted to live here.'
"Why?"
He thought about it for a minute then said, "I wanted to know what it was like."
"I can tell you what it's like."
"Yeah, but that would just be what it's like for you."
She smiled. "Good answer," she said. "My name's Mazie."
"Ian."
"Nice to meet you."
"You too, I think," he laughed. "You seem a bit...dark."
"Oh, I'm a lot dark," she said, but you'll get used to me.
"I will?" he said, moving over, so the waitperson could put his food down in front of him.
"You will," said the woman. "Everyone she picks gets used to her, at least for awhile. Will there be anything else?"
"Not right now," he said. "Thank you."
"It's my job," she said, walking away.
"Her name is Robertta. She's named after her father, hence the ta on the end of Robert."
"Do you come here often?" he asked.
"Yes."
"Are you goth, or just really weird?"
"The second one."
"Ah," he muttered, biting into his sandwich.
"How about you? Are you weird."
"Not at all," he mumbled. "No. Not in the least."
"I can change that," she whispered.
Ian choked.
"You okay? You're all red and teary eyed."
"I'm fine," he gasped.
"I can pound on your back, if you want me to."
He held up his hand, waving her off."
"They have good ice cream here, if you're interested."
He leaned back in his chair and wiped his eyes with a napkin. "Maybe later, when I can breath," he gasped. "Do you own a hellhound and have bats for pets?" he snarked.
"As a matter of fact..."
"Wait," he said, closing his eyes. "I don't want to know."
"Your loss," she said, more to herself, scraping the last of the slaw off her plate.
"What are you? I mean do you belong to a cult?
Robetta giggled.
"No, I'm not religious."
"Excuse me?" he said.
"I said..."
"I heard what you said, I just..."
"They why did you ask me to repeat it? Do you want to come home with me?
"What?"
Robertta broke into hysterics
"It's a simple question. Do. You. Want. To. Come. Home. With. Me?"
"Why would I want to go home with you? I don't even know you."
Robertta was, laying on the counter, her laughter muffled with a handful of napkins.
"He's really slow," said Mazie.
Robertta broke into a new fit of laughter and nodded at Mazie.
"What would we do at your place?"
Robertta began pounding on the counter.
"Really slow," said Mazie.
"Hey. I'm asking a legitimate question."
Robertta nodded and touched her nose, pointing at Ian.
"Fine," said Mazie. "I just thought we could...hang out."
The door to the cafe slammed open and a gorgeous guy walked in. He looked around, saw Mazie and went over to her. He kelt beside her and put his arms around her, kissing her gently and then more aggressively. He started making tiny animal noises and Ian looked at Robertta, who just shrugged. Mazie pushed the guy away and said, "Jerry, this is Ian. Ian, this is Jerry."
"How's it going Ian?" asked Jerry, smiling at him.
"No idea," said Ian.
Jerry dragged a chair closer to Mazie and grabbed her hand. "God, I'm mad about you."
Mazie smiled. "Ian is new in town."
Jerry leaned over and kissed her neck.
"What is this guy to you?" asked Ian.
"He's..."
"I'm her fried with a LOT of benefits," said Jerry.
Robertta was fanning herself with the bottom of her apron.
"What exactly does that mean?" asked Ian.
"Is he for real?" asked Jerry, looking at Mazie.
"As real as it gets," she said.
Jerry looked at him. "You're not from around here, are you."
"Why does everyone keep saying that!" said Ian.
"Because you stick out like a sore thumb."
"What is THAT supposed to mean?" said Ian, starting to hyperventilate.
"It means it's obvious that you're from someplace other than here."
"Is that a bad thing?" asked Ian.
"Only you can answer that," said Mazie, grabbing Jerry by the front of his torn t-shirt...kissing him.
"More fries, Ian?" asked Robertta, from behind the counter, trying not to laugh.
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