(Nimue)
When it comes to healing emotional and psychological wounds, the tools you are most likely to be given (CBT therapy) are both theoretically very good and practically quite useless. If you get something generic and no individual support it can have the effect of making you feel to blame and like you just aren't trying hard enough. For survivors of gaslighting it can actually make things worse.
Where CBT is right, is that overcoming trauma depends on establishing that the traumatic experiences are not the only options available. You can't do that if you are still in the situation that is making you sick and distressed. You can't overcome a toxic workplace with the power of positive thinking, nor can you become healthy if you're trapped in an unhealthy relationship. A lot of resources for healing trauma assume you're dealing with a single traumatic event. If it wasn't that, and it's complex then much of the advice doesn't work and the whole thing takes a lot more unpicking.
If you can establish with evidence that the things you are terrified of aren't normal and won't keep happening, this is a solid foundation for healing. Now, if your fear goes 'if I go outside I will be hit by a car and dreadfully injured' you can test that pretty easily and start building evidence. If what you're afraid of is that you don't deserve love, or that people will use you, or that people are only being nice to you because they're setting you up… these things are hard to evidence against. What can you even do to test those things? If your fears and traumas have everything to do with the intimate details of relationships, how can you build a sense of safety?
As far as I can make out, recovery from this kind of emotional trauma depends on having time in safe spaces. That in turn calls for having people you can trust enough to work with on examining and testing those personal fears. If you're working with a professional, clearly they can do that, but not everyone has the resources needed for getting that kind of help.
Survivors groups can be good - I have some experience of this. Sharing what you've been through and seeing how blameless other people in similar situations clearly are can help overcome feelings of shame and responsibility.
The problem with abuse of trust is that the thing you need for healing is to be able to trust someone enough to be able to explore those issues with them. This is hard and it is a lot to ask of yourself. Exposing your vulnerabilities to another person is really difficult, and there are no guarantees that you won't Innocently pick another harmful, toxic person to bear your soul to, and end up right back where you were. That's not your fault or your failing, but feeling like you can't trust yourself is an understandable response. You can't magically know what people are really like, this is mostly a matter of luck.
Good people are out there. Some people will prove worthy of your trust. There will be people you can heal with, and grow with and share your journey with. Finding them may not be easy, and taking more wounds on top of the existing ones is awful. I wish there was some sure fire way round it, but as far as I can tell, there isn't.
Healing emotionally depends on building trust. That means learning how to trust yourself as much as it does trusting other people. If you've been betrayed - and abuse is always an act of betrayal - then trusting your own judgment about people becomes harder. Learning how to trust yourself again is an important part of this healing process.
No comments:
Post a Comment