The stories we tell about ourselves not only reflect who we are, but inform it. This isn't just about the things we say to other people, it also includes the things we tell ourselves inside our own heads. How we understand events and translate them into stories about who we are and what our lives are like has a huge impact on us. People can experience the same events and turn them into very different stories with entirely different meanings and consequences.
I remember many years ago being caught out in a rainstorm and getting drenched. It was summer, so not that big a deal I thought. I laughed as it happened, and hauled my soggy self home and dealt with the wet. The person I was with - who was not any more physically fragile than me - was horrified by the experience, needed a hot bath and had to go to bed, convinced they were going to be terribly ill from a chill. They weren't ill but they did lose the rest of the day to feeling very sorry for themself.
It's always tempting to want to tell the stories that cast you in the best possible light. That can mean missing out the details that might undermine such a story. Many things look different if you remove them from their context, or don't explain how they started. You don't have to go far down that line to pass beyond wanting to think well of yourself and into active lying with the potential to harm other people.
It's also far too easy to internalise stories that make us feel powerless. When all of the power seems to lie outside of us, not only is nothing our fault, but we'll also persuade ourselves we don't have the means to fix or improve anything. It's hard if you've had a lot of encouragement to think that you can't do anything, but taking control of your life and your story is really important.
It is worth stopping every now and then to think about the kinds of stories you tell about your own life. Are you mostly looking for praise, or for sympathy? Do you want people to be impressed by you, or entertained? Do you tell stories out of empathy, or are you trying to prove something? What kinds of stories do you think other people want or need to hear? Which stories do you come back to most often? Is there one big story you have to keep telling people because it defines you?
And then ask what those stories give you and what they allow. Ask if you're letting yourself get away with things, or punishing yourself unnecessarily. Ask if your stories about yourself are true, or whether they might be someone else's story, put on to you at your expense.
Consider the things your culture, family etc tell you about what your stories mean, and whether any of that is fair or helpful.
Think about the kinds of stories that would help you most. What could you say to yourself that would help you live a happier and better life? I had quite a few years where I had to retrain myself using ideas of adequacy - I am ok, I am good enough, I am tolerable, and things of that ilk. If you've been crushed, holding big positive stories can be impossible. Small, modest stories can get you through. Telling yourself stories that suggest it is worth keeping going, worth trying, and worth hanging on to hope can be the difference between life and death.
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