When painful things happen, it can take time to make peace with them. That doesn't necessarily mean forgetting, forgiving or putting something down - some griefs are so huge and life altering that all you can do is learn how to carry them. Sometimes, it's not so much about recovery as about learning how to adapt to the changes loss has brought. It takes time, and how much time it takes is a really personal thing.
For a lot of people, there are definite benefits to be had in externalising whatever it is that hurts. That can mean pouring the pain into creative expression. It can mean journaling to express what hurts in a more direct way. It might include talking to people. Many of us find that doing something helps to focus and clarify whatever we're thinking and feeling. Having that witnessed by someone else can also be helpful - feeling understood can of itself be a significant balm.
It's important if someone is talking about pain not to rush in to try and fix things. Listen or read first. Giving a person space to express themselves is of itself a really helpful thing to do, even if it doesn't feel that way. It can be tempting to want to reassure people and tell them things aren't so bad, or that they will get better, but having space for the distress allows the person suffering to work some of it out of their system. It's a delicate thing, judging when to start mopping someone up and offering solutions. If the problem is essentially a practical one - like needing somewhere to live - then getting on with practical solutions is often a good choice. When the issue is grief itself, it's often better to let people grieve. If what's lost can't be given back, then time needs to be made for dealing with that.
How do you tell if you are wallowing in it or making too much of a fuss? Firstly, if someone is telling you that's what you're doing, they are talking invariably about their own comfort and not your wellbeing. If you are hurting then you need to deal with that pain. If you are overwhelmed, unable to process it or otherwise struggling with the process, you may need help. You might want professional help. People who have been through similar things might be able to help. Any human experience has probably been written about by someone else already, the internet is full of resources. Finding out how other people dealt with similar things can be really useful.
If you are the sort of person to worry about wallowing, or self pity, then that's almost certainly not what's happening anyway. If in doubt, ask yourself what you're getting out of how you are handling the distress, and go from there. I think the only time to question what you're doing is if you start to think you are uniquely suffering, and that all resources should be directed towards you. Most people have things they struggle with, there's a lot of pain out there. If you're able to feel compassion for others and act on that, then there's nothing problematic about how you are handling your own distress.
It's also worth noting that complex trauma plays out in weird and complicated ways. It might be something relatively small, like a broken washing machine that breaks you - not because you experience it as an insurmountable problem, but because you've run out of cope. Apparently over-reacting to apparently small things may be an issue if you're already dealing with a lot of distress. If this is happening to you, try to be gentle with yourself as much as you can.
I made a comment in a previous post about people who double down on their own misery. There have been a few of them in my life, but on the whole it's rare and not what most people do. It tends to go with high levels of privilege and an inability to keep their relatively small problems in perspective. What I find unbearable is people who clearly have the means to change their lives and solve their (usually minor) problems, and who repeatedly choose not to do that. I notice that it most usually goes with a total unwillingness to offer any support or care to anyone else. In some instances I've seen it go alongside an assumption that everyone else is making a massive fuss too - what people assume of others often has a lot to do with what they themselves are doing.
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