CW abuse and manipulation
My first hand experience of lovebombing has been in the context of female friendships, but I've seen the impact it can have on other people. It's a technique that disorientates and overwhelms the recipient, and gives them a set of inaccurate beliefs about the perpetrator, which can later be used to facilitate abuse.
Lovebombers come in hard and fast and they do and say incredibly intense and dramatic things. It is of course exciting to be swept away by someone else's passion, be that in a romantic way or in the context of a friendship. For a person who is lonely, wounded or just not very confident, it can be impossible to resist. Suddenly, you are the centre of someone else's world, and they love you and give to you and would do anything for you. These are not things that encourage a person to think critically.
And so you are captivated, persuaded they are amazing and that they are good for you. This can play out in a number of ways. You may find you've been groomed by the lovebomber to support them as a friend while they go on to hurt and bully other people. Abusers don't just groom their victims. Some abusers like to alternate between the abuse and the lovebombing, to keep victims confused and motivated to please. It's very hard to think clearly if someone is doing this to you.
The first line of defence is to recognize the behaviour. Normal people are cautious. Even passionate, wild, intense people, are cautious about new relationships. They are more likely to be trying to figure out what you're open to and comfortable with, rather than hitting you hard with everything they've got. Even if you already know each other as friends, there's a working out period, establishing how everyone feels and what everyone wants. People who are serious about relationships - romantic and friendly alike - will take time to grow that and will want to get to know you.
Any early statements about love at first sight, instant recognition, twin flames, soul mates, kindred spirits etc should be treated cautiously. It's very easy for a person to go from here to telling you that they know you better than you know yourself, and that's a gaslighting move.
Lovebombers pick on people who seem lonely or vulnerable in some way. When you desperately want to be loved, it can be hard to hold boundaries in face of such an appealing kind of attack. Being aware of your own feelings and circumstances means you'll have a better chance of spotting it. It helps if you can hold enough self esteem not to be waylaid by someone offering overwhelmingly emotional things, but that isn't easy - having been there. Some lovebombers are simply lonely themselves and also don't know how to do boundaries, and are only ever weird to deal with rather than intentionally harmful, but it isn't easy to tell what's coming.
If you're faced with this sort of thing, don't be pressured into moving quickly. Take your time. Try to find out about their relationship history and friendship patterns. It's always a good idea to take interest in who else someone is friends with - the kinds of friendships we have can say a lot about us. If you're socially adrift, it's much more reasonable to expect people to be a teensy bit cautious with you for just those reasons.
Lovebombing can very rapidly turn into asking for far too much. They want to move in. They need money. They want help. Rules and conditions start appearing, or huge demands for your time and other resources. If it feels like someone is trying to take over your life, back away. It can feel romantic to have someone seeming to want to be part of everything, but if that's happening quickly it's almost certainly not a good thing.
If you're dealing with someone you think is amazing, and yet inexplicably you aren't happy, it's worth considering that you're being lied to. If they come in with big dramatic gestures, expensive gifts that make you feel indebted, be cautious. If you feel you can't say if something doesn't work for you, because of how great they are or how much effort they've gone to, then you're not in a good situation. Back out gently if you can.
Leaving an abusive situation is always the most dangerous time. Sometimes this is the point at which people find out what their lovebomber is really like. Make sure you have help and support in place if you have any reason to think the person you are leaving is not what they've claimed to be.
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