I've never had a good relationship with anger. I'm the sort of person who is far more likely to cry than to shout and to respond with distress rather than by defending myself. There are reasons for this and I know what they are, but it's something that runs deep for me. Injustice does make me angry, and when the injustice is directed towards other people, I can pull myself together and act. It's easier to think about whether someone else is being treated fairly, and whether it would be right to speak out, and I try to do that where I can. I also try to do that in a calm and responsible way because feeling anger and expressing it unpleasantly are two different things.
In the past, I've let a lot of my anger go inwards. I've taken responsibility for things that weren't mine to carry, It's not an original way to malfunction. I've been working on trying to befriend my anger and make room for it, rather than taking out on myself the things that hurt and distress me. This also means dealing with the panic that anger causes, so it's complicated stuff. This in turn all relates to how I handle things around my own needs and wants, which historically I haven't dealt with very well either.
To have a sense of integrity and personhood, you need to be able to feel all of your own emotions and have room for your needs. As with all things, this works a lot better when we actively support each other in having feelings. Anger of course is challenging and no one really enjoys being on the receiving end. However, when anger itself is always treated as the problem, rather than the cause of the anger, there are going to be problems. When there is injustice, it is the injustice that needs dealing with, while objecting to the anger perpetuates the injustice. All too often, we police the wrong things.
Meeting someone else's anger calls for being able to own mistakes and apologise, and also go beyond that into something restorative. When we're prepared to make things better, it's easier not to be threatened or intimidated by reasonable anger. When anger functions as something healthy and protective - not as an excuse to terrify someone - then it's easier to respond to it with respect and compassion. People whose needs are not met should be allowed to be angry. The answer to such anger is to solve the problems.
All too often though, anger becomes an excuse for acting out. Too many of us become angry when we feel embarrassed or exposed and hurry to protect ourselves rather than asking if we should be doing something differently. It's not an easy thing to do, and again, the answers are collective not individual. If mistakes and failures will be met with punishment or derision, then angry self defence becomes more necessary. If we can trust the people around us to accept us as flawed and human, no one needs to be so defensive in the first place. If we celebrate and welcome problem solving rather than being threatened by it, then there's less reason for defensive anger. If we're not so interested in blame and much more interested in fixing things then calling people to account when they need to sort out their mistakes is far less loaded.
There's a huge power aspect to anger, though. People with power are allowed to express anger, and people with no power are not. Who you are allowed to be angry with, and who it is safe for you to be angry with will reveal a lot about your position in the world. Whether you are allowed to ignore the anger of others, or defend yourself from it, is also rather telling. No doubt without those enormous power imbalances, many of us would have less to be angry about in the first place.
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