I had a lovely prompt from Nicole on substack to explore the issue of accepting joy. I think this is a topic that will take several passes, there's a lot to say on the subject.
Trust has been a big part of my journey of late. Being able to trust that what's happening is real, and that I'm not being set up for a future knock down - there are things in my history that have shaped this and it's hardly an unusual problem. It's difficult being open to delight if your expression of it might get you into trouble, and I've experienced more than one environment where that was the case. That's often had to do with it seeming unfair or problematic for me to be happy when other people are not.
I learned to be afraid of my own joy, and to mistrust it. However, what I've been finding over recent months is that friends have had a lot to say to me about what I'm able to do when I'm happier and more wholehearted, and how much some of them want me to joyfully throw myself at things and make space for them when I do that. I'm not going to name check everyone but I want to particularly acknowledge the support I've had from Mark Hayes recently, and some powerful talking-tos from him about who and what I am and the ways in which I am needed. He's made me realise that how I impact on other people goes far beyond anything I was perceiving.
I create when I'm joyful. I come up with madcap plans, and when I feel confident I do pull other people into those plots. It's been made explicitly clear to me - especially in the last few weeks - that this is a good thing and I have people who want and need more of it. If I choose things that make me happy, I will be able to do more good for more people.
Part of the difficulty in accepting joy is that it has felt like the selfish choice. To go after things simply because they make me happy hasn't felt fair. But, at the same time I've been seeing how it impacts on the people around me when I seek happiness. I can do more from a place of delight. I have more to give, and the people who care for me are happier if I am happy. I'm having conversations about how to build a more joyful life, and how to bring more to other people by doing that, and it feels like the right path to take.
Solitary joy - especially at someone else's expense - is a hard thing to justify. Shared joy, and joy that creates delight for others is a very different sort of consideration. As with so many things, I think so much of this is better explored collectively. When happiness and joy are shared projects, we each have the affirmation of knowing that our joy is welcome and good, rather than selfish and problematic.
If I can be more open to happiness, I have more scope to make other people happy. I need to put down the crushing lessons I learned from abusive situations, because if my being happy is uncomfortable for people there are reasons to question that. I think by nature I might be an intrinsically joyful sort of person, but I've been punished for that in the past and it's left marks on me. What's shifting things for me is accepting the idea that my joy is itself trustworthy, and good, rather than something likely to cause harm to others. Having my joy treated as harmful was one of many strategies being used to deliberately hurt and control me in the past. I do not need to fear or mistrust my own delight, I need to welcome and embrace it.
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