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Friday, February 3, 2023

[New post] Emotional Manipulation

Site logo image Nimue Brown posted: " People get into emotional manipulation because they don't feel they have options. It can start with it not being safe to ask for things or to express need. It may come about when other people don't respond to simple requests. If you learn as a child that" Druid Life

Emotional Manipulation

Nimue Brown

Feb 3

People get into emotional manipulation because they don't feel they have options. It can start with it not being safe to ask for things or to express need. It may come about when other people don't respond to simple requests. If you learn as a child that you will be ignored unless you have a massive screaming fit, you are likely going to be willing to manufacture a massive screaming fit any time you need to get something done.

In ideal situations, people are able to talk about their needs and feelings without having to put pressure on each other. If you don't believe that kind, honest and fair relationships are even possible, then this is not an easy thing to do.

However, we all have times when what we want isn't fair on anyone else. We might not want to have to deal with our mistakes and shortcomings. We may crave attention but aren't inclined to earn it in any way. We might want respect without having to be respectful in return. Jealousy, insecurity, and believing everything revolves around us can have us wanting all kinds of things from other people that maybe it wasn't a good idea to want in the first place.

When wanting something you know isn't fair, or reasonable or appropriate, it can be tempting to create emotional pressure so that the other person feels obliged to cooperate. Alongside this, not wanting to deal with fair and reasonable requests can make it tempting to view the person making you uncomfortable as being emotionally manipulative. If you feel bad, and it's their fault then you can believe you are the victim deserving of kindness and they are the bad guy and deserve nothing.

None of us are perfect. We all have needs and feelings that aren't perfectly compatible with the needs and feelings of the people around us. Being human in relationships with other humans is always going to be messy, and it's important to be ok with that. What we shouldn't be ok with is situations that create massive power imbalances. No one should be using their own feelings to hold power over someone else. Expressing emotions in a way that's designed to cause shame, guilt and feelings of responsibility so as to pressure someone into doing something they do not want to do, really isn't ok. Equally, ignoring someone else's feelings as a way of holding power over them isn't alright either.

If someone is in distress, that should always matter. What we should be doing is working out collaboratively how to fix things - not with blame or demands, but with a focus on what everyone in the situation can do to change things. 

Many of us may need to deal with our inner children around how we learned to express need, or whether we were allowed to do that. What patterns have we learned about how to get attention and how best to get our needs met? Do those patterns serve us well as adults, or are they harmful? Are we carrying old resentment around issues of attention? Do we trust other people to care for us and respond appropriately to reasonable requests? Do we feel entitled to more than our fair share?

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