A while ago, a friend of mine suggested that all relationships depend on compromise. I argued, because I think negotiation is the key and that compromise can be problematic. These days we go into things and negotiate, and no one talks about compromising, which is how I like all of my relationships to go.
Sometimes compromise is the only option, but I prefer to get there by negotiating first. Often, when the default is compromise, what it means in practice is that one person gets to do the compromising while another gets their own way most of the time.
Negotiating, for me, starts from the idea of doing the best job possible of meeting everyone's needs and desires. This isn't always possible. I feel strongly about not compromising on anyone's needs for the sake of what someone else simply wants. I know how grim things can become when needs aren't properly recognised, and I know that when people feel able to discuss needs, that's a clear sign of a safer sort of space.
Compromising is fine when you vary who has to actually compromise. A negotiation that leads to doing it one way this time and the other way next time is a good way of collaborating to make sure people get what they want and need. No one should feel compromised in themselves when compromising over something, that's a definite red flag.
When people are negotiating with each other there's usually time to explore how things work and why. Compromise can be what happens when there isn't time to properly look at the issues. Not having space to talk things through can in turn enable situations where one person continually compromises for the benefit of the other. If there's no room to discuss things and one party isn't interested in even knowing what the other person feels or wants, it can be really disempowering for the person who compromises. Being persuaded that your needs don't matter, or aren't worthy of attention, is not a good place to be.
Negotiating is itself an act of care. Hearing people out and understanding how their needs and preferences differ from yours helps build kind and mutually supportive relationships. Asking someone to compromise is very different from assuming they will, or making it difficult for them to do otherwise.
If you're constantly compromised, and there isn't room for what you need, it's a strong indicator that this isn't a good relationship. The person who refuses to negotiate wants things only on their own terms.
When there are conflicts of interest, if there's also a real relationship then the only question to ask is how we find the best way through things for everyone.
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