7th November 2022

Nov 7

Overwhelmed. I think that's actually a really good word for this moment.

I just wrote to myself. Which frustrated me. Because I thought I'd written to myself this morning. Then I was wondering did I, didn't I, and I hadn't.

Grateful earlier was light. I needed that.

So much both disconnection and connection. Too much connection therefore disconnect.

I was reading sonething that spoke about this so I did it for fun https://counsellingresource.com/quizzes/misc-tests/des/ . If you do it share your responses. Some of the questions are like, isn't everyone?

The one I'm thinking about is body one. I've never had a negative body image for I've never connected to my body. My body is kinda just an appendage. The other day I saw someone's pictures of themselves on instagram and their facial scars repulsed me. I've acne that at the moment is like theur scars - not much, a bit. Facial scars, acne on anyone else, repulses me. And that's not too strong a word. Yet I don't care about my own. Partially I've accepted I've acne and there's nothing I can do. Partially I just never see it anyways. I block out acne on pictures. Not that I think it's bad to have. I just dislike it. I don't look in the mirror much. I look in the mirror when I do my hair or want to see if something looks okay. It just, is. I don't really know how to describe it.

On the other side of that is that as time goes on I've been tuning into my body more and more. Noticing the sensations. Recognising them. I don't associate a feeling with a sensation. It's massive that I ever actually recognise a sensation. That I ever tune in.

I'm not actually tense much now. Only a little.

The question about voices that comment on what you're doing made me laugh. I'm not sure if it meant this though. I have a constant running dialogue in my head. Often dialogue with people in my head - surprisingly the conversations I my head can be profound - I mean let's say imagine I'd tell my sister this, imagine her response, and so on. I've definitely laughed aloud at my thoughts. Sometimes they're humorous.

That's it for now.

Random. When I write the time when I journal it'll be the accurate time. So if it's 59 past I'll either write 59 or wait till o'clock. Depending. If I wait to write the o click time I'll wait until o clock to start writing anything because can't fill in the o clock time after started writing fir it's not accurate.

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