I was going through my google drive to erase everything about him. But I came across my writings from the year we were together. I always wrote about my anxiety of when things will end. But also the hope I had this would all be different. Until I realised my unhappiness.

I worry that maybe this is all a mistake. Maybe we should skip to breaking up to save the pain and I can go back to being normal and focusing on myself. I didn't even want a relationship in 2021. I wanted to be alone. Because being alone means that I can do what I want. Focus on me and put myself first and not worry about another person. I can just be me for a bit and breathe....

Although lately, it has been full on and stressful. I have been thrust into situations I would have never found myself in. Some from my own stupid volition. But also from having a situation presented to me, where I just have to get it over and done with. 

Diary entry 2nd February 2022

I am not ready for any of this. As happy as I am that 2021 is over, I am scared of what this new year will bring. I feel like I am in this vicious cycle.

I am back where I started. I am in a relationship that I worry about ending. I don't know how it will end because I am constantly reassured he won't cheat or hurt me like the others. But he has his past with him too that I have had to face while he got my slate completely clean. Not a single worry for him at all.

When will it be my turn to breathe? When will it be my turn to feel taken care of? When will it be my turn….

New Years Day 2022

But sadly, all relationships are the same to me. They are painful and they turn me into the most hateful person. Even more so when I was the one that ended things this time around. Because I had to do it for myself. I had to focus on myself instead of worrying how everything was going to pan out.

In the end… All my worries came true. Everything I wrote about him, the things I didn't like, the way he acted to people, treat others… It was all there, and yet I was trying so hard to ignore it. 

Once again, I was stuck behind rose-coloured glasses.

Now, I am not perfect. I have my issues and hang ups, trauma from the past relationship. I went into this relationship unprepared and still damaged. But nonetheless, I tried my hardest to be the perfect girlfriend.

But I was far from perfect to myself. I stopped taking care of myself and every bad thing I suppressed came out in full force.

I was confused about the choice I made to end things. But deep down, I guess I wanted to end things. I knew my values didn't align with this person's. 

While it still does hurt after the fighting and the dragging on of everything, I have once again learned to let go of the rope and close the door. 

The longer I held onto that rope, the more it burned me. Pulled my skin off my hand. Ripped my limb from me. 

I became a shell of what I thought I was supposed to be.

So I ripped up the pages of him from my scrapbook, ripped up a dress he got me that I didn't even like or fit me, deleted everything from the harddrive and trying to stop every memory of him.

I am once again starting with a clean slate and completely clean of him.

I want to start another year the same way I planned to go through 2021… In love with myself. Dating myself. Caring for myself. Caring for the right people who love me.

I want this year to be filled with the real love I know I deserve. Even if I don't feel worthy of it right now.