Karen J Schoff posted: " "There is Freedom in Forgiveness" Two years ago a horrible and tragic accident took the lives of four children, Sienna, Antony and Angelina Abdullah, and their cousin Veronique Sakr, when a man, driving under the influence of drugs and alcohol, lo"
Two years ago a horrible and tragic accident took the lives of four children, Sienna, Antony and Angelina Abdullah, and their cousin Veronique Sakr, when a man, driving under the influence of drugs and alcohol, lost control of his vehicle and mounted the footpath. The tragic loss of four young lives shocked and shook us all. We could barely imagine how it must feel to lose three of your children so suddenly. How could a family recover from such tragedy? The pain and grief would be beyond all imagining.
Extraordinarily, the two families showed a depth of compassion and empathy way beyond what anybody could imagine and extended forgiveness to the driver. We might have wondered whether it was even possible. How could you ever forgive such an act? For the two families it was an important part of their grieving process. In December of 2020, the families went even further, establishing Feb 1st as a National Day of Forgiveness under the name i4Give. The day is intended to act as both a remembrance of their children and as a way to offer help to anyone who has suffered in a similar way. Two of the parents, Daniel and Leila Abdullah say:
"Forgiveness is the greatest gift you can give yourself and others. The more you practice the better you become at it and it allows you to live peacefully and heal. Forgiveness is more for the forgiver than the forgiven."
The day has now developed into a full week of remembrance and activities that "seeks to engage all communities across Australia in a shared embrace of the universal good of forgiveness."
Forgiveness means different things to different people. Sometimes people get the idea that forgiveness is wishy-washy; a kind of warm fuzzy that has no basis in reality, but nothing could be further from the truth. Essentially there are two main kinds of forgiveness. The first one is decisional forgiveness. This is where a person makes a logical and rational decision to let go of anger and resentment. In an intellectual way this might help people to move forward in their lives, but experts say that unless forgiveness actually connects with the heart, there is a danger that resentment might still lurk deep within. The second type of forgiveness is emotional. This is where someone utterly and completely lets go of all the negative feelings and allows them to be replaced with compassion and empathy.
It is important though to clarify what forgiveness is not. Forgiveness is not about excusing, justifying or condoning the act. It is not about forgetting either. The Abdullah and Sakr families will never forget what happened. It will live with them for the rest of their lives, as Daniel says:
"We still feel pain and sorrow everyday, but forgiveness has helped to get rid of the anger and bitterness"
Forgiveness recognises the hurt that has been done but it is a deliberate choice to not be consumed by anger and resentment. It is certainly not an easy process. Revenge is a very natural human response. We know how easy it is to hold onto a grudge, harbouring feelings of anger and resentment towards others. But it is not good for us. You know how it feels, that tight hard ball of anger in our chest. Our muscles feel tense. We don't eat properly. We don't sleep well. We snap and snarl at everyone and quite understandably, everyone gives us a wide berth. Holding onto and nurturing those negative feelings has real physical consequences, increasing stress and shortening our life span. Tragically it can also tear families apart. Forgiveness, on the other hand, reduces stress, improves our relationships, and contributes to positive mental health.
True forgiveness is not flippant. It is a deliberate choice to let go of anger and resentment both intellectually and emotionally. It took a great deal of courage and inner strength for the founders of i4Give to do this publicly. It goes without saying that this week will bring many mixed emotions: the grief of losing their children will live with them forever. At the same time, in their pain and grief they are extending their hands and hearts out to all of us to encourage and support us on our own journeys of forgiveness. The i4Give website provides a list of resources to help and direct people, some of which are listed below.
We all have our share of loss and grief in this life. Perhaps we are hanging onto negative feelings about some event in the past. Perhaps we are the one who needs to seek forgiveness for past wrongs. Maybe we need to forgive ourselves. Yesterday was the anniversary of my first husband, Rob's, death. He died of a heart attack at the young age of 39. Dan and Bec were aged 6 and 4. It wasn't fair but it was nobody's fault. It was just one of those things that happened. It is still a sad time and we still feel the gaping hole in our lives, but we keep moving forward. Rob wouldn't want us to be angry about it, rail at the unfairness of life, blame the health workers or make everyone else miserable too. He would want us to be happy and make the most of life. It's a sad day for us, but I don't think it would come anywhere near the pain and grief of the Abdullah and Sakr families and I have the utmost respect and admiration for them as they strive to bring something good out of something so horrible. If they can do it, perhaps we can too. Forgive.
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