Olivia Fitzgerald posted: " For the last few months, I have been working with a therapist in an attempt to understand why I have had a pattern of falling for unavailable men, and why the prospect of dating an available man produced an almost unbearably anxious response within me. I"
For the last few months, I have been working with a therapist in an attempt to understand why I have had a pattern of falling for unavailable men, and why the prospect of dating an available man produced an almost unbearably anxious response within me. I hoped that by understanding the reasons behind the behavior, it would be easier for me to eventually change the behavior. With the help of the therapist, I have learned that as children, the relationship dynamics we experience with our caregivers can significantly impact the relationships we form as adults. Although this is something I continue to learn about, I feel that I have learned enough to be able to share some of that knowledge with you. As always, I speak from my own personal experience and level of understanding which is limited, but I hope that this information may help others understand themselves more deeply as it has helped me understand myself more deeply.
During childhood, our parents or primary caregivers teach us what to expect when receiving love. The way that we receive love from them is the way that we learn to receive love from others later in life. Based on what we learn, we form an "attachment style". According to simplypsychology.org, "attachment styles refer to the particular way in which an individual relates to other people. The style of attachment is formed at the very beginning of life, and once established, it is a style that stays with you and plays out today in how you relate in intimate relationships and in how you parent your children." So, the relationships we form in adulthood are often times a subconsciously-driven reenactment of the relationship dynamics we experienced with our parents during childhood. We tend to reenact these dynamics because it is what feels comfortable and "normal". It is what we have learned to expect.
There are two main styles of attachment-- secure and insecure. Insecure attachment styles can then be divided into 3 subcategories: dismissive avoidant, fearful avoidant, and anxious-preoccupied. The chart below gives a very brief overview of what each style of attachment might look like:
According to studies on these attachment styles, "there was a strong association between one's own attachment type and the romantic partner's attachment type, suggesting that attachment style could impact one's choice of partners...To be more specific, the study found that a Secure adult was most likely to be paired with another secure adult, while it was least likely for an avoidant adult to be paired with a secure adult; when a secure adult did not pair with a secure partner, he or she was more likely to have an anxious-preoccupied partner instead. Moreover, whenever an avoidant or anxious adult did not pair with a secure partner, he or she was more likely to end up with an avoidant partner; an anxious adult was very unlikely to be paired with another Anxious adult." (https://www.simplypsychology.org/attachment-styles.html)
This information helped me to realize that my pattern of chasing unavailable love was likely and largely due to the formation of an insecure attachment style. It also helped me realize that because my own attachment style was insecure, I was more likely to form relationships with other people who have insecure attachment styles. Thus, in order to form a secure relationship with a man, I had to become a person who could form secure attachments. To begin the process of becoming that person, I needed to explore the relationship I had had with my father. I had to ask myself, "as a child, how had I received love from my father?"
The answer was complicated. For the first 13-14 years of my life I received stable, secure love from him. He was present, dependable, loving, affectionate, and encouraging. Receiving love from him was natural, easy, and expected. He worked hard to provide for his family. He was home with us every night, at church with us every week. He was a greatDad, and if things hadn't changed, it is likely that I would have experienced a more secure attachment style as an adult. But, things did change, and the secure attachment I had formed as a young child suddenly became very insecure as a teenager.
Once he became addicted to drugs, the love I received from my father was not the same love I had previously known. It was love that came and went. It was hot and cold. It was unstable. His behavior was unpredictable and unexpected. He would leave for a few days or weeks, come back for a few days or weeks, only to leave again. Eventually, he didn't come back. Eventually, we weren't able to reliably contact him. The man who had always picked up when I called didn't have a phone number anymore. Unless he was in jail, we typically did not know where he was. There were times when he'd find a semi-stable living situation (usually with another addict) and times when he was homeless, living in a shelter. He lost everything he had worked so hard for…his relationship with his wife and five kids, his connection with God, his home by the beach, his job, and eventually his physical health which led to his untimely death. It was a very difficult thing to experience, to feel, to watch. It was heartbreaking. As I write this now, it really hits me; the first man I loved, my father, had completely broken my heart. That kind of heartbreak doesn't just go away. It is a wound that cut me very, very deeply.
Looking back on all of this, I could see how I was reenacting this unstable, hot and cold dynamic in my adult relationships. Insecure relationship dynamics were my comfort zone and anything outside of that felt really uncomfortable because my brain had become wired to expect instability and unavailability when receiving love from a man. In exploring all of this, I had to look back on a girl (me) who at a vulnerable age suffered a major heartbreak. I had to learn to have compassion for that girl. I had to learn to forgive her for the choices she made that weren't healthy for her. I had to forgive her for chasing unavailable love. I had to forgive her for not knowing what she knows now.
But now that I knew better, I had to do better.
With a deeper understanding of the driving forces behind my unwanted behaviors, I now had a choice. I could continue to participate in the stagnating familiarity of insecure relationships, or I could make a conscious decision to change. For me this meant, first and foremost, ending any unhealthy relationship patterns that existed in my life right now. Currently, I am working to simply maintain this change in my life without introducing any further changes. At this time, I am learning to live my life without the presence of an insecure relationship. Although it is has been a challenging change for me to make, I am committed to making this change because I know it is a vital step toward allowing myself to become a person who can form a secure attachment to a secure man.
It would be foolish to think, "once I end this insecure relationship, I'll be able to enter a secure relationship". Unfortunately, changing a behavior that is rooted in deeply subconscious patterns and beliefs takes time and consistent conscious effort. Even though I am now consciously choosing to not engage in insecure relationships, I know I still have a subconscious pull/attraction towards that dynamic. The reality of a secure relationship still feels foreign to me. But I know that my willpower is stronger than any subconscious force that lives within me. My desire to become healthy and secure is more powerful than any subconscious feelings of fear or discomfort.
For those of you who struggle with relationships as I do, I hope this information gives you some food for thought. I hope this inspires you to examine your own patterns of behavior and your own style of attachment. And for those of you reading this that have not personally experienced an insecure style of attachment, I hope this information gives you a new perspective on people you may know that struggle with intimate relationships. I think we can all benefit from putting ourselves in the shoes of others, making us more compassionate and understanding when someone's behavior may not make sense to us.
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