Sometimes I feel like I am inadvertently setting myself up for failure.

It is because I see what I think a relationship should be. And I see relationships that I have no experience in. I only know what I didn't deserve.

I didn't deserve to not have my needs met. I didn't deserve to be told that I am too needy. I didn't deserve to give everything away only to get nothing in return. I didn't deserve to feel ignored. I didn't deserve to feel like I don't matter. I didn't deserve to feel like my body was nothing more than an obligation.

There were so many things that I didn't deserve in such toxic relationships, and yet back then I believed I did. Back then, I had no boundaries.

I did what I knew best.

Give and give until I had nothing left. Because putting myself first was deemed selfish.

How dare I say no? How dare I ignore someone who is toxic? How dare I not please others?

Because of these moments in my life, I have chronically set myself up for failure.

Failure didn't feel like an option anymore. It almost just felt like it was my way of life.

Maybe now, I am setting myself up for failure because I am being needy. Because I constantly crave that feeling of affection and love. And maybe that neediness drives people away.

I am setting myself up for failure because I still don't know what is healthy in a relationship. Because I still expect that maybe, just maybe, I will get flowers again with blind confidence that they won't wilt like the last bunch.

Maybe I just still don't know how to stop failing.

I am just instead keeping my head above water and just.... flailing.

_J E N

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